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| Wright School graduation, 2009 |
Except when we don't.
It's that time of year again, fancy hair and dresses, corsages, tuxedos, yesterday's gawky kid all dressed up for the prom. And mine is in the hospital. She's always in the hospital. As much as she would like to go to the prom, she can't. It's more than logistics; she doesn't have the social skills or the ability to keep herself safe in a complex social situation, not to mention a date.
For many years, she kept pace with the milestones. First steps. First tooth lost. Learned to ride a bike. Check, check, and check. Dance recitals. Swimming lessons. Birthday parties. Sometimes she excelled and reached them before her friends. And then there were the ones that her friends didn't achieve: first hospitalization, first police call, first residential placement.
This hit me initially when her friends were being confirmed at church. I'm sure someone would have worked with her, but she couldn't truly participate in the class and it would by no means be an adult profession of faith. Driver's ed? That's a scary thought. Cell phone? There are so many bad decisions to be made with a phone, and she's made most of them. It's why we don't have a landline at our house and why I still sleep with my cell. Dates? She is presently unable to safely have that kind of relationship because she is such a target for predators. High school graduation? She's not been in school since November.
When I start getting morose about this, I try to remember that Claire didn't have many of them either. There was no high school graduation because she was homeschooled and went to college a year early. There was no prom for the same reason. While she took driver's ed, she had no interest in getting her license until the summer of her 19th year. But hers were choices, and there are many other milestones she has made.
For Elizabeth too, there ARE milestones, they're just different. She's gone four days without biting or attacking a peer or staff. We put together a 300 piece puzzle in an hour, beating our record of 200 pieces. Her blood sugar has been in the normal range for the last three months. I've kept her alive and out of jail for another year.
Don't stop posting your pictures. I love seeing them. I'm trying to be more intentional about celebrating what there is to celebrate and accepting our life as it is. As hard as it is on me, it's so much harder on her. Part of my job as her mother is holding up her accomplishments as the amazing things they are.
We had a great visit today, all three of us. She noticed and complimented Claire's new hair color, notable because it means she's looking outward. We finished another puzzle. We laughed a lot. Four days without hurting anyone, you guys! I have no pictures to post—they won't let me take my phone in—but they still happened.
Whoo-hoo, I say. And I say it with joy and without a trace of irony. Milestones.
